i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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