I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
