i will never coherently bang her
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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