yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
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