My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
