smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
