Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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