I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
