You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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