just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
