i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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