God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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