Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I just had sex on a roof
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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