i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
