becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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