Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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