I will die if light touches me.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
