a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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