I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
