dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
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