she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
