why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
