I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
