Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
