Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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