I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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