oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
