Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
