new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
