all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
