So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
