You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Don't tell me you're on acid again
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
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