Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
