You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
