No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
