last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Randomize
