quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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