You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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