I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
