i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
