This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Randomize
