my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
