nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
