he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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