This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
My breath smells like gin and sadness
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
