if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
