dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
