Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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