i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
