I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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