We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
